Oh shit I've got Cancer ........

I got the idea to write this blog from Rachel, a friend of a friend from Uni who has been through the breast cancer journey and wrote a blog along the way.

I read Rachel’s blog sometime last week and it made me feel so much better and so inspired me to do the same. Rachel also used the title “oh shit I’ve got cancer” for her first entry.  I did not want to pinch her idea but it fits so perfectly I had to use it.  Also this was my response to being told I had cancer – “oh shit”. (sorry Nicky, I’ve actually used the word “journey” which I believe now makes me eligible to go on X Factor)

The lump was found on Friday 7^th February. I wasn’t worried at all, but being a good girl I went to see the GP on the Monday.  She had a feel and asked me various questions like “have you lost any weight recently” (if only), “have you been feeling tired”. As I answered no to all, she said that I didn’t seem to have any “scary symptoms” and asked me to return in a weeks’ time due to the time of the month.  I returned a week later, lump still the same and so I was referred to the breast clinic. My appointment would be within two weeks.  I didn’t have any “scary symptoms” so why worry?

Monday 3^rd March

The consultant at the Breast Clinic had a feel and then said she was sending me for an ultra sound.  Once I saw the lump on the ultra sound I started to worry, a dark blob in my boob.  They said that they needed to take a sample and so I had an anaesthetic and a Core Needle biopsy, I think she took three samples.  Due to my boobs being so “dense” she really struggled to get the needle in so I came away bruised and battered.  I didn’t like the questions she was asking “how old are you”? “do you have children”?  I’m sure these are standard questions but I didn’t like her tone, it was as if she felt sorry for me.

I went back in to see the consultant and she said that they did not know what it was “it could be a fibroadenoma”, but I would need to come back on Thursday for the results.  Those few days were the worst, I saw the lump on the scan, I just knew.  All sorts of thoughts raced through my head over those few days, losing my boob, my hair, oh my god my hair!!

I talked to my Mum during those few days, yes I know she isn’t with us anymore but I do talk to her, inside my head, not out loud, I’m not THAT mad.  I often ask her questions about what’s going to happen, I always get a response and she is ALWAYS right.  I asked her if I had cancer, her answer was “yes love, but you will have a long life”. So let’s see hey.

Thursday 6^th March. Diagnosis day.

I decided to go to the appointment on my own.  Friends had offered to come with me but I preferred to go alone, I’m funny like that.  Waiting in the waiting room was pretty grim, lots of nervous faces.  One woman came in and it was friggin obvious she was wearing a wig.  I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  I decided there and then that if the worst came to the worst I was not going to wear a wig.  A scarf will do nicely thank you very much.

I was called in to see the consultant, she pulled the images of my boob up on the screen and said “we didn’t know what it was, it isn’t the shape of a tumour and it isn’t the shape of a fibroadenoma,  but I’m afraid it is a cancer”.   My response – “oh shit”.  The next hour is a bit of a blur; I needed to have a mammogram and so was escorted down the corridor by a health care assistant.  I sat down and started jabbering on at her; I remember saying “oh shit” a lot.  Next minute I was on my own and then Emma the Breast Care Nurse came in, I continued to jabber, she just sat there nodding and laughing at my inappropriate jokes.

Back into see the consultant who now had another consultant mate with her.  She said that it looked like a “contained mass” and so she could do a wide local excision and I would have a course of radiotherapy. She would also do a lymph node biopsy to check that it has not spread.  They had me stood there, top off staring at my boob, discussing how they were going to remove the lump.  I don’t think they were talking to me but to each other.  I was really happy with this plan, well as happy as I could be, as it would mean I get to keep my boob.  Also as the boob with the cancer is bigger than the other (I had not realised this! Nobody ever told me!), it would look ok next to the other one, result!

I then spent time with Emma the Breast Care Nurse to have a little chat, I can’t remember what I said or asked.  Emma gave me a little pink folder which contained pamphlets on the procedures which had been discussed.  She had written my diagnosis inside “Grade 3 Ductal Breast Cancer”.  I later found out that Grade 1 or 2 would have been preferable, as Grade 3 means its fast growing.  There are only three grades, shit.

I told most people that day. It was a big shock to those who I hadn't told about finding the lump. 

I was due to return to the breast clinic on Wed 12^th March at 4.15pm but on the Monday, Emma the Breast Care Nurse had left a message on my phone, she said that she wanted to speak to me “this week”.  I called back but she was busy, I eventually got to speak to her hours later.  I had a feeling that she was not just calling for a catch up.  She said that after looking at my images again they had seen some calcifications, apparently we can get these with age but they needed to be checked out.  I would therefore need to go in on Wednesday morning for another biopsy instead.  On my already bruised and battered boob, ouch!

Wed 12^th March

Nicky came with me, she packed a bag like we were off on a lovely day out, good old Nick!  Went into see the consultant first who explained that if these calcifications are pre-cancerous then the plan would change, I would be looking at a mastectomy.  I had kinda got my head around this anyway so it didn’t come as a surprise.  Nicky asked a very important question, which in my current dazed state I had forgotten to ask myself.  “When can the surgery take place”? The consultant flicked open her diary and said “I can do it on Tuesday if you like”, boom!!! Tuesday!!! 6 days!!!!! No thanks, that’s just a bit too soon.  She wasn’t bothered and said that she didn’t want to push me into anything. 

Next onto the biopsy which was NOTHING like the last one.  I was put in the mammogram machine for about an hour while about 10 samples were taken.  The comedy moment was when the nurse (or whoever it was) was pushing so hard to get the second lot of anaesthetic in that it exploded all over my chin and shot into the radiographers’ eye.  Awww my "dense" boobs, tough as old boots.

Saturday 15^th March

So here I am waiting for the results of the calcifications, which I will get on Monday when I return to the breast clinic.  Here I will find out the results, what surgery I am having and on which day.  Pfffft!!  I’ve already been looking at post mastectomy bras on the tinterweb, so sexy, NOT!! If it is a mastectomy, which I think it will be, I can feel it in my bones, I can have reconstruction whereby they will put a flat implant in and pump it up with saline over time to stretch the skin.  This will prepare me for the full reconstruction whereby they will use muscle and tissue from my back, bum or thighs to make my new boob.  Fingers crossed they will take it from my thighs!!

I feel incredibly calm considering. I have had no desire to have a “blow out” prior surgery, which is surprising really as I do love a good blow out.  I’ve been sleeping fine and eating as normal, well actually that’s not true, I’ve been eating a lot of shit.  I think I lost a few pounds during those first few days, winner!! The eating shit is starting to catch up though.  Must try harder!!