Back To Reality

A LOT has happened since I last wrote. 
I have started my new job.
I have been on holiday
I have received my BRACA results.
I will address each point in turn................




New Job.
Going back to work was a massive shock to the system, I was exhausted by the end of my first week. Emotional too, I didn't expect that. I suppose going back to work is a massive step in terms of returning to "normal" life. I realised that I have lost confidence too, I have been off work for a year after all. Plus, I think a cancer diagnosis knocks your confidence. When you are healthy you kinda think you are invincible, to suddenly be told that you are not makes you feel incredibly vulnerable. 

I had been doing really well, but returning to work knocked me back a little. Its going to take me a while to rebuild my confidence in my body, my abilities and my faith that I will be ok. When talking to other women who have had breast cancer I was told "its still very early days for you", I didn't realise.  I wonder when I will feel like me again? I wonder if I ever will? 

I decided to tell my immediate colleagues about my cancer diagnosis. After my first week I realised that they were not getting the true picture of who I really am. Cancer is a massive part of who I am now. Many say that they won't let cancer define them. I would argue that it doesn't define who I am, but it is a very important part of my life story. My new colleagues have been great about it and I do feel better about my new job now that they know.




Holiday
As we were flying from Gatwick I went down a day early and spent a day in Brighton. It was here that I realised that due to my current dodgy haircut I would make a very popular lesbian. I had a few admiring glances from some ladies, one in particular was bloody gorgeous. I didn't do too bad considering. A nice compliment I suppose.

My holiday was amazing!! I went to Egypt with the full intention of spending as much time on a beach as possible and that's exactly what I did.

"To learn to swim confidently" is on my bucket list.  I can swim but I'm not a strong swimmer at all. The beauty of the red sea is that it is so salty that you float in it. This was so good for me as I felt safe in the sea. It was amazing. I even went snorkelling!!! Me snorkelling!! I was over the moon.



BRACA Results
On the 7th January I gave a blood sample to see if my BRACA 1 and 2 genes had a mutation.  Not everyone with breast cancer has this test but I was offered it because of my young age, the fact that I had two different cancers and that it was in both boobs.  The genetics counsellor said "nobody is that unlucky, there must be something wrong with your genes".  

You have probably heard about Angelina Jolie having her boobs removed and more recently her ovaries. This is because there is a mutation in her BRACA 1 & 2 genes. The mutation means that you are 60-80% more likely to develop breast cancer and 40-60% ovarian cancer. 

I had kinda got my head around the results of the test. It was obvious that my genes were buggered. I was told I would get the results in 6 weeks, they finally arrived in 13.  We had agreed that they would give me my results over the phone, but I received a letter asking me to go in. The letter really shook me as I knew what was coming. The thought of having my ovaries removed filled me with dread as this causes all sorts of complications and health issues for a young woman. I felt very low waiting to go in for my results.

The genetics counsellor began to open my file when I noticed the name on the front of it. It was someone else's file!!! I reminded her who I was and she apologised and scurried off to find my file. She opened it and showed me my results and said "there is no fault in your BRACA genes". What!!! I'm sorry!!! I wasn't expecting that!!! "So I get to keep my ovaries"? "Yes" she said. "I take it that's good news" Too fookin right its good news!!

The fact that I had two different cancers, that I had cancer in both boobs and that my BRACA genes are fine makes me a bit of a medical mystery.  A BRACA mutation would have given me a reason for my cancer, but now I don't have one. Just bad luck I guess. It could be argued that it is a result of diet, stress and carcinogens. I guess I'll never really know.  This result though, has made me more determined to look after myself in terms of diet and especially stress. None of the medical experts I have spoken too have told me that diet and stress had something to do with my cancer, but almost all of them have advised me to eliminate stress from my life. Perhaps they know something that they feel they can't tell us, I dunno.

I will be bringing this blog to a close in the next few weeks. I'll be sad to let it go but I suppose I need to move on.  I can see that I'm still getting lots of views but my cancer story is pretty much over now. What has happened to me is still very much alive inside my head, but in reality the next chapter in my life has already begun.