The Last Leg

Saturday 18th October

Remember I said that I had heard that the end of treatment was when most people fall apart and that I was determined not to do this? Well that didn't really go to plan.

I started Radiotherapy last Monday, then on Thursday I woke up and burst into tears. I pretty much remained in that state for about a week. I was a bit worried about myself to be honest. I've had lots of conversations with various professionals at Clatterbridge and all agree that I've hit the end of treatment wall. I suppose that when you are going through treatment you just get your head down and try to get through each day. As it comes to an end the enormity of what you have just been through begins to hit. To say that I have felt physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted is an understatement. My Breast Care Nurse told me that I will go through the various "stages" (shock, grief and so on) and that these "stages" may come around again and again for a long time. So that's something to look forward to.

Radiotherapy treatment is like Groundhog Day. I arrive at Clatterbridge, sit in the waiting room with my fellow cancer patients, get changed into an attractive front opening gown, get into position on the radiotherapy machine, concentrate on keeping still, get my blasting, hop off and then go home. The following day I do the same thing. 10 down, 5 to go

The actual procedure is fine, you don't feel a thing. Mine is a bit unusual though as my planning scans showed that my heart is very close to the treatment site and so I have to hold my breath during treatment. Holding your breath pushes your heart back apparently. I have a little screen just in front of my face with a blue box and a yellow line on it. The yellow line monitors my breath, and when I breath in I have to get the yellow line into the blue box and keep it there for about 25 seconds. A little game.

I had heard that the worst part of radiotherapy was having to go every day. I thought that it wouldn't be too bad, but by day three I was sick of it!!  

The side effects from Radiotherapy is fatigue. I am exhausted. I wish I could fully explain this feeling but I can't and even if I did, you just wouldn't get it.  Apparently its cumulative too so will get worse and apparently peaks six to eight weeks after treatment. Just in time for Christmas, nice. 

I am constantly reminded that rest is really important and should be seen as "part of treatment". I found out the other day that watching TV or reading a book are not "resting". Pfffft, nothing is simple. I have therefore taken to meditation which, it turns out, is bloody brilliant. It has helped me to chill out and is really helping with my anxiety about my scary future.

In other news my hair is growing, a bit patchy but its growing. I actually think it might be straight but I suppose I won't know until its a bit longer. My face is back thank god, steroid moon face is not a good look, the chemo weight is also coming off. I'm starting to look like me again, apart from the dodgy hair cut of course.

My final radiotherapy session will take place on the 24th October, the last day of active treatment. Nearly there.