Nearly There!!!

Saturday 23rd August

Its funny that my last post is called "Looking Good, Feeling Better" because my appearance has changed dramatically over the past few weeks. I'm not "looking good" at all now. The accumulation of steroids has started to take hold and has created a puffy rounded face (and belly). My eyelashes and eyebrows have pretty much gone now, I look awful. Imagine Gollum, but on a bad day. If there was ever an advert for cancer my face would be it. I would post a photo but honestly it would frighten you to death. I'm not exaggerating. I look ill, really f***in ill. 

The person I see in the mirror is a stranger, I do not recognise her, she looks like a old man. When I'm better and I'm having a fat and ugly day I hope I remember this face. I'll have to take                                                 some photos to remind me.

My hair is starting to grow back but its possible that it will fall out again. I don't have a head of hair by any stretch of the imagination. I have a slight covering of short spiky BROWN hair. Yes BROWN, not ginger OR grey!!! I cannot tell you how exciting it is to see your hair grow back.

As you know I had chemo 5 on Monday, my second round of "T". I recently heard that "T" is the king of chemos and now I can understand why. "T" is tough, its hardcore, its bloody horrible. I spent the first few days in a steroid fuelled hyper and then on Thursday night it hit. Due to my current chemo brain I can't really describe how it feels, lets just say I feel really bloody terrible. The side effects of "T" come and go, one minute I feel ill and then next I feel REALLY REALLY ill. At times I've felt quite delirious. There have been moments when I wonder if I'm actually gonna make it through chemo and then next minute I'm feeling a bit better. Its bloody weird.

Chemo brain is getting worse. My concentration is terrible, I can't think straight, my thoughts are all over the place. Apparently in some cases chemos effect on cognitive function can be permanent. If that happens to me I'm screwed as I wasn't that bright in the first place. Scary.

During my moments of clarity I remind myself that this will be over soon and I will feel well again. I keep thinking about when this is over and imagining what I will do. I am obsessed with holidays at the moment. I keep imagining running along a beach and into the sea with my pixie crop. I'm desperate to run into the sea, I don't really know where this has come from as I'm actually quite scared of the sea, but right now I'm desperate to get in there. That will be a great day. I cannot wait.