FEC off FEC.

Wednesday 16th July

There was me feeling quite smug about the fact that I was coping well with Chemo............and then came FEC 3 (enter dramatic music here).

To say that last week was horrific is no exaggeration. The side effects came on from day one unlike the first two rounds. I was sick for the first time, gutted about that. The rest of the week is a blur of lying in bed, trying to keep hold of my sanity and sobbing like a baby.

Its really hard to describe how it feels, I have been asked many times. The closest I can come to it is the worst hangover you've ever had, which doesn't let up for over a week. I mentioned Rachel on my first post who has been through chemo. Rachel described it as like being attacked by a Dementor from Harry Potter, I think this is a really good                                       description. The life was completely sucked out of me.

The worst part of the week was dealing with my emotions. To say that I have been "emotional" is an understatement. I felt completely consumed with....I dunno, sorrow maybe. Sobbing, proper sobbing with snot and everything. I just couldn't control it, it was overwhelming and lasted for days. I was ready to give up and I meant it. I am told that Chemo can do this. Nobody seems to be able to give me a good enough explanation as to why exactly but I suppose when you feel like utter shit, the body AND mind for that matter has to yell out in some way.

On Monday morning I was feeling a bit better, still terrible but better. Then I felt some weird sensations in my chest, not pains as such but niggles. I noticed that my heart was racing and I felt a bit breathless. I called Clatterbridge to report in and they told me to get to A&E and they would let them know I would be arriving. 

I was sent straight through this time around and put on a heart monitor. Then had an x-ray of my chest. The doctor said that it looked like there was a clot on my lung. Jesus!! As you can imagine this frightened me to death. She said that I would have to have a CT scan and so I was put on a ward. I can't express how scared I was. I was dreading what they might find on the CT scan, I had visions of them telling me there was a tumour as well as a clot. A few doctors came to see me while we were waiting for the scan results. Two of them said that they could NOT see a clot on the original x-ray, but a radiographer would need to have a look at the CT Scan to be absolutely sure. So what was the doctor in A&E talking about!!!! Confused? Yes so was I. The CT scan came back as NORMAL, phew!! Talk about relief!! The doctors said that my heart rate was fast throughout the day but couldn't give me an explanation as to why. I asked if it was a side effect of chemo but they didn't seem to know.

Despite having my PICC line fitted, A&E didn't know how to use it, so they

went into my veins a couple of times. I argued that this was the whole point of my PICC line, because my veins were knackered. My veins are now really hurting. (Yep imagine your veins hurting, hard isn't it) I've decided that if I need to go into hospital again I'm not going to A&E I'm going to Clatterbridge where they know what they are dealing with and perhaps won't say things like "it looks like there is a clot on your lungs" without knowing for sure.

I'm finally feeling like me again, but me on a go slow, a tired me, an old me. The recovery time seems to be getting longer and I'm told this will continue. I know I am half way there, everyone keeps telling me that, but to be perfectly honest this is no consolation.  I cannot believe I've got to do this again three more times. I don't know how I will get through it. Of course I realise that Clatterbridge will get me through it physically but mentally, my god. Maybe the next few wont be as bad, dunno.

My treatment plan is called FEC-T. I have finished FEC and the next three rounds are the T.  I've heard lots of reports about T and it sounds pretty horrible, painful apparently. However from talking to those who have been through and are going through this it appears that everyone is different, every round is different, you just cant predict. T is the one that makes your eyelashes and eyebrows fall out, that'll be sad, you never know I might be lucky though.

I have a week and a half until the next round. I hope my energy levels will be back up so that I can enjoy next week. I plan to make the most of it.