A Good Old Moan.

Tuesday 17th June

I have been deliberating on whether to write a post today, as I knew it wouldn't exactly be positive as I'm feeling pretty miserable. I enjoy writing this blog though so maybe it'll cheer me up a bit.

I planned to have a nice relaxing week last week but ended up spending most of my time at the hospital or with my GP. I found another lump under my lymph node removal scar so had to have another biopsy. Had to wait two days for the results, which was pretty scary. Turns out its a haematoma thank god, phew.

Had chemo number two yesterday. I forgot to take my phone with me so no photo's I'm afraid. Got there at 9.10am and didn't leave until 3.30pm for various reasons. Clatterbridge is a nice enough place but there doesn't seem to be any sense of urgency, a bit too relaxed if you ask me.

Had a nightmare getting the cannula in, it took a few goes. It really really hurt. My veins have gone into hiding, can't blame them really. I've decided to have a PICC line fitted next time as this will save time and pain. Unfortunately this means that I'll have a cannula sticking out of my arm until the end of treatment but at least it won't be painful and will save time.

Again I've been lucky that I have not had any nausea and so far I feel ok, just a bit tired and spaced out. It'll all kick in in a few days though.

My hair has been clinging on for dear life but it gave up this morning and I now have random bald patches and so my scarves made there first appearance today. When I put it on it dawned on me that this is how I will look for quite some time. I probably won't have a full head of hair until Christmas possibly later. This morning was emotional. I had to nip to the hospital today and saw looks of pity for the first time. Strangers obviously thinking "awww she must have cancer" I now LOOK like I have cancer, bummer.

Its been good to hear that you have been enjoying my blog. I've had lots of comments about being so positive. I am being positive and I believe I've always had a "just get on with it" approach which still remains. Believe me I am not finding this easy though, not at all. I have been on such a rollercoaster since being diagnosed, wondering if I was going to die, thinking about my funeral, waiting for so many results, surgery and now chemo. I also spend a lot of time thinking about the future, life after cancer and about the possibility of it returning. I keep being told "one step at a time", but I have so much time to think now.

I have cried a lot, probably every day. I asked the oncologist about this yesterday and she explained that chemo can make you very emotional, plus the fertility injections (which I'm still doing everyday) will be playing around with my hormones.  I do worry that I'm not being positive enough and this will impact on my recovery, but again I'm probably thinking too much.

During my emotional times I wish I had a Mum and Dad, or a lovely partner who could put their arms around me and tell me I'm gonna be ok. I've never felt so alone. Thank god I have my sisters. I've never appreciated them as much as I do now. They probably don't realise it as I'm not very good at showing it, but I do, very much so.

Told you I was feeling miserable. Sorry about that. I'll cheer up for my next post promise.