Life After Cancer

It didn't take me long to feel the need to write again did it. I suppose that sometimes I will just need to get stuff off my chest. Thankfully I have a place to do that.

So, life after cancer.......


People who have had cancer run through life at a million miles an hour.
I've never been so busy, which is ridiculous really as I should be taking it easy.   The problem is that after cancer you have this new thirst for life, I can't help but say yes to everything. I don't want to miss out on any opportunity or experience. I'm constantly thinking about what I want to do next, what I'm going to do at the weekend, where or who I want to visit, my next holiday. Its exhausting to be honest. I really do believe that the key to (my) happiness is having something to look forward too. Little short term goals.

The problem is that I'm really struggling with fatigue, therefore while I'm running around like a mad woman I'm thinking "god I'm so tired" and occasionally I crash. This seems to have really hit me over the past few weeks. Apparently I need to "manage" my fatigue more effectively. I'm told that ideally this should be a time of convalescence, but the world doesn't allow that. Life goes on, its not going to pause for a while, while I put myself back together.

People who have had cancer appreciate the little things.
I now notice a beautiful tree, a clear sky, the smell in the air. I take everything in. I suppose this is because I now live in the moment (most of the time). Before cancer I spent so much time thinking about the past and the future that I missed the today.

People who have had cancer are paranoid.
Over the past few months I've called my breast care nurse about lumps in my armpit and pains in my arm, hip and back. I apologise every time I call her but she assures me that I'm doing the right thing and the fact that I'm worried is perfectly normal. I've been back to the Breast Clinic a few times to have things checked out. Every time I'm told that I'm ok, I think "right I'll go and get on with the rest of my life" until the next symptom occurs and everything stops again. The fear is there constantly, it sits at the back of my head on a good day but on a bad day its right there, at the front, haunting me. Its not nice.

People who have had cancer think twice about making plans.
I'm going to Dubai soon. It took me months to book my flight, I kept going to do it but then that little voice in my head kept saying "but what if it comes back, you won't be able to go".  The problem is that I'm a planner, I don't really like spur of the moment, never have. Cancer has interfered with my autistic tendencies around planning, it has thrown a spanner in the works. I constantly battle with the decision of whether to carry on with life as if it hasn't happened or to have contingency plans in place just in-case.  A few people have said "yeah but I could get run over by a bus tomorrow". Yes I agree but for me it IS different because there is a bus out there with my name on it. It'll get me eventually, I just don't know when.

People who have had cancer want to talk about it.
The problem is, nobody else is interested.  Which is why I continue with my online support group and have joined a group who meet once a month in Chester. Its such a relief to be able to talk openly about it. Don't get me wrong its not an opportunity to moan or feel sorry for myself. Its about, talking, just talking about what happened, with people who are not freaked out by or uncomfortable with the subject. If I talk to those who have not had cancer about cancer, I see there eyes glaze over after a while. Perhaps they are thinking "its in the past, get over it". Pfffft if only you knew.

People who have had cancer have ongoing side effects.
To those around me I probably look like the old me, but with short hair. I probably seem like the old me but a bit more enthusiastic. Physically though I feel very different. I feel old. I went into this quite a young 37 year old but have come out of it an old 39 year old. That's how I feel anyway. I ache, I have pains in my hips, I get tired really easily and I have brain fog (chemo brain). I miss the old me. (I am told that these side effects will go eventually - in about 2 years!!!)

People who have had cancer feel left behind.
Its funny how those around us move on so quickly. This is really hard to describe. A fellow cancer friend described it like this -" to everyone around me, they put their key in their front door and everything in their house looks the same, but for me, I put my key in the front door and everything in my house looks different". Does this make sense to you? It makes sense to me. The world, my thoughts, my appearance, everything, looks different. I'm wandering around in a world I don't recognise, with feelings I don't recognise and I'm carrying around this weird tiredness I don't recognise. Those around me continue with there lives just as before and expect me to be the person I was before. But I'm not the same person, I'm tired and I'm vulnerable. 

I was chatting to a nurse at the hospice today (still my favourite hang out) and she explained that although I'm almost a year out of treatment, I'm at the peak of the time it takes to get over what has happened. "It takes a couple of years at least" she explained.


My reconstruction will be coming up soon. I have an appointment in October to discuss it again and I expect to be given a date then. Perhaps once this is over and done with I will feel some closure, hope so.