This time of year is difficult for me. Its the time of year when I go back to the Breast Clinic for my annual review. Its the time of year when I start noticing pains, lumps and aches more. Its the time of year when I think about cancer a lot. Two years on, I'm really lucky, to be here, to be cancer free. Its definitely something to celebrate, but it really fuckin scares me too.
On the 17th March I started the reconstruction process. This involved fat being sucked form my belly, back and thighs which was then inserted into my boob area. This is to give me a bit of squish between my skin and the implant. This procedure is called lipofilling. Its exactly the same as liposuction, but the fat is then inserted elsewhere.
I chose this type of reconstruction as I believe its the simplest option. There are a number of reconstruction procedures to choose from. Some provide amazing results which look and feel like a real breast. However this kind of surgery is massive surgery and the recovery can take months. I decided that I have been through enough, I really didn't what to put myself through that. So I opted for the simple option lipofilling and implants. The final results will hopefully resemble a breast but will never feel like a breast, but I'm ok with that, I think.
I chose this type of reconstruction as I believe its the simplest option. There are a number of reconstruction procedures to choose from. Some provide amazing results which look and feel like a real breast. However this kind of surgery is massive surgery and the recovery can take months. I decided that I have been through enough, I really didn't what to put myself through that. So I opted for the simple option lipofilling and implants. The final results will hopefully resemble a breast but will never feel like a breast, but I'm ok with that, I think.
On the day of the surgery I walked out with bizarre porn star style boobs, they looked great. As soon as I was able too I went bra shopping, only to find that the swelling was to go down a few days later. What a numpty. The surgeon told me that I had "really good quality fat", she gives the strangest compliments. It must be all those avocados!!
I'm a bit naive when it comes to surgery. I remember that I was really surprised about the recovery for the mastectomy, it was bloody horrendous. This time, for the lipofilling, I informed work that I'd be off for two weeks, but on the day of the surgery the surgeon wanted to give me a sick note for three. I argued that two weeks would be fine, she looked at me like I was a mad woman.
This surgery really knocked me off my feet. The bruising was pretty gruesome, I looked like I'd been in a car crash. There was me thinking I was going to have a cheeky two weeks off work where I could "do lunch" and so on. Being a stubborn bugger I decided that I wanted to do a food shop on day 5. I got as far as the bananas and nearly passed out. I had to turn around and walk out. I was really upset. I'm an stubborn, independent little madam and I hate feeling so helpless and vulnerable. It sucks.
I will go back to have the same surgery again, it takes two to three goes to get the desired effect. Next time Fiona is going to come over from Spain to look after me. I can't do that on my own again. I need help, as much as I hate to admit that. After the lipofiling has been completed I'll then go back to have the tissue expanders exchanged for implants. Its going to be a long process, I just hope I'll be happy with the end result.
I'm a bit naive when it comes to surgery. I remember that I was really surprised about the recovery for the mastectomy, it was bloody horrendous. This time, for the lipofilling, I informed work that I'd be off for two weeks, but on the day of the surgery the surgeon wanted to give me a sick note for three. I argued that two weeks would be fine, she looked at me like I was a mad woman.
This surgery really knocked me off my feet. The bruising was pretty gruesome, I looked like I'd been in a car crash. There was me thinking I was going to have a cheeky two weeks off work where I could "do lunch" and so on. Being a stubborn bugger I decided that I wanted to do a food shop on day 5. I got as far as the bananas and nearly passed out. I had to turn around and walk out. I was really upset. I'm an stubborn, independent little madam and I hate feeling so helpless and vulnerable. It sucks.
I will go back to have the same surgery again, it takes two to three goes to get the desired effect. Next time Fiona is going to come over from Spain to look after me. I can't do that on my own again. I need help, as much as I hate to admit that. After the lipofiling has been completed I'll then go back to have the tissue expanders exchanged for implants. Its going to be a long process, I just hope I'll be happy with the end result.
Its taken a long time for my body to recover from treatment, but I do finally feel like me again. The chemo weight has gone, I'm fit and exercising just as before. I feel good about myself........and then I take my clothes off. Sometimes I forget and then catch myself in the mirror and think "Oh yeah....that!" Prior to cancer I was quite confident about my body, I was happy to strut around naked in front of a partner. I can't imagine I will ever feel like that again.
I often think about my cancer friends who are married or have long term partners, who love them just as much now as they did before having their mastectomy's. They are lucky,(in a sense) I don't have that luxury. When I receive male attention now, its on the tip of my tongue to ask "are you a boob man? if so you really shouldn't bother". There are times when I think that I don't give a shit about my weird boobs, at least I'm alive, but there are also times when I feel really sad about them. Like I said, there was a time when I was happy to be naked, I miss that.
So I've reached the two year mark, a milestone, an achievement in a sense. My understanding was that Triple Negative Cancer is more likely to return within the first too years, so I was quite excited about this milestone. However I was given a different version at the breast clinic. My Breast Care Nurse basically told me that this is the peak time for it to return. We discussed statistics, but both agreed that you just don't know. She explained that she has come across women who had massive tumours, extensive lymph node involvement who are still here 15 years later. Like I said, you just can't predict what the sneaky fucker is going to do next.
I try my best not to think about cancer now, of course I still have bad days and this time of year especially brings it all back. I'm enjoying life though, I'm still grabbing every opportunity and having fun. When I'm having a bad day I remind myself of a quote from one of my favourite films, "get busy livin, or get busy dyin"
So I've reached the two year mark, a milestone, an achievement in a sense. My understanding was that Triple Negative Cancer is more likely to return within the first too years, so I was quite excited about this milestone. However I was given a different version at the breast clinic. My Breast Care Nurse basically told me that this is the peak time for it to return. We discussed statistics, but both agreed that you just don't know. She explained that she has come across women who had massive tumours, extensive lymph node involvement who are still here 15 years later. Like I said, you just can't predict what the sneaky fucker is going to do next.
I try my best not to think about cancer now, of course I still have bad days and this time of year especially brings it all back. I'm enjoying life though, I'm still grabbing every opportunity and having fun. When I'm having a bad day I remind myself of a quote from one of my favourite films, "get busy livin, or get busy dyin"
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